How to react to the remarks of others about the child?

Answers to current questions that excite modern parents

The situation in which bystanders remark on a child is practically known to all parents . How to react to such remarks so as not to harm the child and not to come into conflict with the stranger.

Unsolicited advice and remarks from outsiders, especially children and their parents , are widespread in our culture. Both adults and children perceive such actions as invasion of privacy , they feel irritated and angry, and some of them - anxiety and guilt. When a foreign adult expresses his / her opinion about the child's behavior , he / she demonstrates doubts about the existence of sufficient authority and level of competence of the parents . The one who makes a remark finds himself in the position of an expert and seems to be trying to take over the functions of the child's educator .

But sometimes the stranger is literally forced to take on these functions. This happens when the parents for some reason can not or do not want to react at a time when the child's behavior is dangerous to himself or others. The purpose of such a remark in this case is to prevent any threat , to protect, to stop dangerous behavior. If the child 's behavior interferes with others or behaves inconsistently with the rules of the public place - for example, speaks loudly during a theatrical performance , pushes or stains with his shoes someone's clothes on public transport - the remark of the stranger has in order to protect his own comfort or the comfort of other people.

In the described cases, the damage from an unwanted violation of the personal space of the parent and the child can be balanced with a conditional benefit for the child or others. In all other cases where the child behaves in accordance with age and social situation and this behavior is not dangerous and is not an obvious obstacle to others, parents have the right to protect their privacy, their authority , lifestyle and methods of upbringing .

Unsolicited advice and remarks often become a source of stress for parents . One of the tasks is to learn to respond to such criticism and to defend their principles, avoiding conflicts and discussions. In order to react calmly and adequately to remarks, it is important that they reach a certain level of self-confidence and parenting competence . This is facilitated by the understanding of parenting issues in the parent couple (when the partners agree on parenting methods and support their ideas together) and sufficient knowledge and experience. Often advice and remarks are given by other people with the best motives, especially in cases where the child's behavior may be considered unsafe. Sometimes it is polite enough to thank the counselor and not continue to communicate.

When unwanted advice or remarks concern questions about health , age or appearance , it is appropriate to politely but firmly say that the upbringing and development of this child is the sole responsibility of his or her parents and they do not need any advice at this time. strangers. It is important to remember that many remarks are made by people who do not have education or special knowledge in child psychology, pedagogy and medicine. It follows that their opinion may be wrong, and you are not obliged to prove your rightness to them. Sometimes it is easier to physically break off contact - to move away, turn to the other side, than to waste time and energy arguing with strangers .

Children over the age of four should be briefly and calmly explained why the parents have reacted to the stranger's remark in one way or another, especially if the children are asking questions on this topic.

The remarks of a stranger differ in principle from the remarks of the parents . And not just in content, which can be both fair and not so much. Such remarks can severely hurt the child and disrupt his relationship with parents , to undermine trust in the family. This is especially true for children over 3 years of age . For children at an earlier age, for example up to three years , the assessments of others still do not mean much. The situation is different with children of preschool and school age . If mom or dad has allowed another adult to bully or scold the child , he or she may decide that the parents did not stand up for him or her and will not stand up for him or her in the future. This can result in low self-esteem , self- doubt and self -doubt anxiety . That is why we should not take the side of the one who makes the remark and join in his attacks.

What exactly should parents do? Whether the remark is fair or not, we should thank you for it. If the child is really guilty , you can add an apology and go away with the kid. Under no circumstances should you start arguing with your child in front of strangers . If he is guilty, make a remark to him in private , explain to him where he was wrong and what is better to do in such situations. However, if you think the remark is unfair, you can draw the child's attention to the fact that all people are different, and what some like, others may not like.

If you think the remark is unfair, tell the child this, emphasize that you do not think so.

Does it make sense to discuss something with the person who made the remark? This will not benefit you or the child. The one who remarks is often irritated, ready to argue. Do you need this dispute? If you feel the need to protect the child in public, do so correctly.

If a stranger makes a remark, then he has a reason for it. Most likely, he feels a sense of responsibility for what happened and has decided to let you know. If the situation does not affect the well- being of your child or other people in any way, thank him for his participation and let him know that you are in control and there is no reason to worry .

If, however, your child disturbs someone's peace or causes inconvenience to others, even harm, stop him immediately and apologize. If you have missed what is happening, there will be no need to be grateful for the attention, especially if the stranger has seen what is happening before you.

Whether there is a risk of harm to your child or to someone else will be up to you. This is your responsibility.

And in order not to get into an argument and search for culprits, you should be guided by the norms and rules of conduct in society . The basic rules are simple enough: you should not harm yourself and others.

After stopping the child, it is important to show the stranger that you heard him. Usually a "thank you" will let him know that you have taken responsibility. If at the same time the child continues to do what he did, the stranger will probably think that he was "politely expelled", and the further development of events will depend on the temperament of the participants in the conflict.

Introduce yourself for a second in the role of the child . Your thoughts are pure and you are full of enthusiasm. Children always have an idea that grabs them, and they are completely committed to it. And suddenly your mother or father stops you. In this case, the least you will need is to explain the reason for the intervention. That is why it is very important to explain to the child what was the reason for the remark and why you agree with the stranger. But that's not all. If the child is upset , you are obliged to tell him how his idea can be realized through acceptable action in society. For example: "We will go with you to play where it is safe", "Let's paint a picture at home". The child seeks instructions on how to use the space. And if he doesn't get them in time, he does what he can.