Major parenting mistakes in raising children: Mistake № 1
At the time of the baby 's birth, young parents , as a rule, have already read dozens of books on pedagogy, psychology and pediatrics and have a good idea of how they will raise him. But it is practically impossible to insure against mistakes , and yet, sometimes we are tired, make ill-considered decisions, get nervous and get angry. In the following lines we will find out what are the most common pedagogical mistakes and how can we avoid them?
Mistake № 1: Ignoring, rejecting, labeling the child
In this area, many parents overestimate their own awareness . Everyone guesses that shouting at children is unpedagogical, that it is harmful for the tender child's soul to say to him: "I don't love you", that it is bad not to understand the inner peace of the child . But not everyone realizes that there are less obvious manifestations of child rejection .
Quite often children are denied the right to feel what they are experiencing and as strongly as they experience it. We do not like when our children are sick , there is a great desire to protect ourselves , trying to distract them from negative emotions : bitterness, fear , anger, envy . We do not want our heirs to experience such a thing, and we are trying to convince them that this is not happening. Parents often confuse socially disapproving behavior and feelings . You should n't hit others, break things out of anger, but anger itself is a normal reaction of a person who doesn't get what he wants . Our task is to help children learn to act constructively in such situations: to come to terms with the fact that it is impossible to get everything at once , to resolve conflicts , to negotiate , to wait, to plan .
Sometimes children are subjected to unfeasible demands dictated by stereotypes, or what is desired is presented as necessary. Boys don't cry , girls don't get dirty , the strong don't get scared, the smart don't do stupid things, the older children love the younger ones - and so on indefinitely. Life is diverse and multifaceted, but he and we are far from ideal. We can learn to improve and use or overcome our imperfections . Children whose parents require them to be perfect are doomed to failure .
Children can be very upset about insignificant things. We adults also worry about the same thing to varying degrees. If you are upset because you tore your favorite dress or broke the porcelain doll left by your grandmother, you will not find a respectful consolation such as "Nothing, it's not scary." But when the child is bothered that he can't take home the hole he just dug in the sandbox, you even laugh at his misfortune. We, the parents , rarely realize that we are denying the child and his life, his interests to be important and valuable.
Another difficulty lies in realizing the fact that etiquette , unfair generalization is as offensive and humiliating as negative or positive evaluation . That is, "smart" and "stupid" are equally external generalized evaluation. For the same reasons, all people (especially children ) need constructive criticism and praise . When we show specific shortcomings so that it is understandable how they can be corrected , the child does not despair , but improves. When we show concrete virtues , we pay our and his attention to the fact that he did something better than yesterday, we simply state the facts about what the child is doing, he learns to analyze the results of his actions and to feel independently satisfaction with what he does .
Error analysis:
Wrong decision: to describe the problem situation with the summaries "Bad", "Good", "Excellent", "Disgrace" or to order him to stop feeling: "Don't cry", "Don't be angry with your sister", "It's not scary “.
Short-term effect: the parent calms himself down , the child shuts down and tries not to show what the parent does not like , which seems to improve behavior .
Consequences: the child does not develop the ability to understand his feelings , does not learn to react constructively to them, learns manipulative strategies in communication ; it is more susceptible to psychosomatics (however, ignored feelings do not disappear). The child is not self-confident and is dependent on external evaluation, can not constructively criticize and praise the results of their own and others' work. He receives a signal "You are not as good as you are" or does not feel noticed, because there is nothing personal in the summary assessments .
The right decision: to develop your own ability for constructive criticism and praise, for invaluable thinking , for building adequate self-attitude and self-esteem . Admire the life of a person with these wonderful habits, and at the same time apply them to your own children and serve as an example of a mature attitude to life.
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